Our relationship was never too healthy or happy. It was rather an example of how meeting your soul mate can turn into hanging in a cage with your biggest enemy. Toxic, and tense.
We made mistakes, horrible ones. He wouldn’t apologize until it was too late or too meaningless. And I sit now, thinking that I craved for his face, and words and touch, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I craved – literally – for everything that he was. Or what I thought he was. We were not the people we hoped we were. Perfection, it’s an exaggeration, but we were far even from peaceful or happy.
I changed a lot and he changed a lot, He ended showing me no appreciation, respect or real love any more. Not even lust. In my dreams, we are still happy. In my sleep, sometimes, we still hold each other till our breath stops, we still curl our arms around each others neck. Bodies don't know our ache and at night they still react to the same chemestry that brought people together. Bodies weren't scarred, tired, beaten or hurt like the heart was.
And I do love him, despite his yelling at me, despite his mean and untruthful words, despite his jealousy, his lacking respect, his aggressiveness, his capacity to turn me into nothing just by looking at me. I love him so much that I never even considered lying, cheating, calling him names or even think about someone else as a potential boyfriend after I confessed my best and my worse to him. I love him so bad that nothing him have done or would do could break or terminate my feelings for him. So strong that I can wish him nothing but happiness and success and fulfillment. So incredibly passionate that I would not consider letting any other boy touch me even though we’ve broken up. So much that I couldn’t bare the thought that him’d be cold at night, hungry or helpless. So much that if he wanted me for good and kept me in his life I would have followed him no matter the place. I love him so much that despite his bad temper, bad manners and sometimes bad judgement I managed to see the heart he’d never wear out. I love him so dear that I let myself inspired by his good deeds and let his brutal words all pass through me.
But I still have to let go. And not knowing how is probably the thing eating at my heart.
